Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Things I can't say: Postpartum Depression

This post is very hard for me to write. I am a proud person who doesn't like to admit when things are tough. But that is exactly what I am about to do.

Today the hubs went back to work after being home for 3 weeks while I recovered from my c-section {still working on that part} and to help out with the boys {which he did incredibly well, I am so immensely grateful for him. I love you hubs. I couldn't do any of this without you by my side.} My wonderful mother came over for 3 hours this morning so I could take a shower and not have to worry about the boys harming the new girl {you are amazing mom, thank you for all that you've done for me these past few weeks.} Other than those 3 hours, I've been doing it on my own. I knew this would be hard. It's not much worse than I expected really, it's just hard.

There are a few things that are making this harder on me than I expected though.

My {almost} 2 year old has a double ear infection, a runny nose and a cough. He is having an incredibly hard time with the fact he isn't the baby anymore. He isn't taking this out on his new sister {thank goodness} he's taking it out on me. That's hard. Really hard for me.

My {almost} 4 year old woke up this morning with an extreme runny nose and a horrid cough and spent most of the morning coughing in his newborn sisters face any chance he could get. I highly doubt he was doing this to harm her, it's just how it was happening. He is also having a very hard time adjusting to a new sister and is also taking it out on me {and his little brother.} Thankfully, he adores his little sister. I just wish he could actually be close to her when he wants to, but he can't because he's sick. And I'm terrified of the baby getting sick.

Then there's Gwen. My wonderful 3 week old {today} daughter. This is the part that is making my days even harder {and I wasn't planning on writing about this, but here it goes.} On Monday, we went to the pediatrician for a typical well-check and we ended the appt. with the pediatrician taking pictures of Gwen's beautiful face and saying she's a bit concerned about her stork bites/birth marks/whatever you usually call them and wants to make sure they aren't associated with a brain hemangioma. Gwen may need to have an MRI at 4 months. I have been crying over this for 3 days now. The fact that something could possibly be wrong with my beautiful new baby is more than I can handle. The Dr. then tells me not to stress out, but all I hear are the words "broken blood vessel in the brain" "MRI" "sedation." I don't hear: "I'm just being cautious, I just want someone who has more experience with this to take a look {shes's going to see a dermatologist in the next few weeks}. It could just be stork bites but I want to make sure." Of course I don't hold on to those words. I hold onto the horrible scary words. Yes there are the good things: they're being cautious, if it really is anything at least they're being proactive about it yadda yadda yadda.

But I'm dealing with horrible postpartum depression here. This news, on top of a 2 year old with double ear infections who is mad at me because he's not the baby anymore and a 4 year old who is sick and mad at me too just feels like too much.

Some minutes {yes minutes, not even hours or days} I feel amazing. Like a true superwoman. Like I can do this, I can change diapers and feed little people and keep the house clean and do it all with a smile and a cheerful heart. Other minutes I am a wreck and feel overwhelmed and sad and ugly and fat and horrible.

I know this is all very personal.
But I needed to get it out there.
Postpartum depression is something that happens to many many women.
And it's happening to me.
And I'm trying my best to keep it all together and ask for help when I need it.

I know this will all get better....eventually.
I know I am never given more than I can handle.
I know I have people who love me and support me.
Knowing all of this makes each day just a little bit more bearable.

Thanks for reading.
{This post is linked with Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out}



  1. Emily I really respect and admire that you wrote this. I can't imagine how hard your situation is right now... when I think forward to what it will be like to raise children, especially very young children (even the thought of one at a time) seems so overwhelming. It's really encouraging to hear about the experiences of someone I know and care about - because even though its difficult, you're DOING it. So I hope that in those many moments (or hours) where you're feeling so discouraged and depleted of strength and resilience, remember that you are in the midst of raising three beautiful children. Successfully! ... Whether it always feels that way or not. :) It won't always be like this, and from what I hear so often, there will be a time sooner than you expect that you actually look back and miss this stuff. I will be praying for you! Thank you again for being brave enough to share this. <3

  2. oh Emily i wish i could hug you right now.

  3. Emily, getting your thoughts into words is good!  It's not good to keep things inside, and I am grateful you can share...  You know what.. Heavenly Father knows and loves you and I will continue to pray that this will all pass.  Your such a good MOM!!  And, I know what an angel my sweet little Dianne is, she is such a good girl!
    Remember who loves you.... and keep good thoughts!
    Love, Grams

  4. Emily, I hope you can feel my hugs!! They are big ones!! WE love you!

  5. I understand what you are going through, I have been there myself. The best thing for me was getting outside in the sun, going for walks and talking to adults (when possible). I did not admit to anyone  that I had postpartum till I was prego with Kaitlyn over 3 years later. That was my big mistake. It is better to get it out there and get the support that you need. It is rough, but you can get through it. Good Luck!

  6. I am glad to see that you are coming out of the closet  :)  Postpartum depression is awful but sometimes a fact of life.  And the first step in anything is calling it by name and hanging it out there and asking for help.  I am proud of you and was thinking about you all day  :)

  7. And, your mama loves you so very much!  You can do hard things and win and you are winning, it's just taking a little time!!!!  Remember that I ONLY have amazing daughters :) !!
    I Love You Em!!  See you for a bit in the morning!

  8. Em your bravery is inspiring.  Hearing that there may
    be a problem with your child is every parents fear.  It rocks you to your
    soul, you fear for the pain they may face, the procedures they have to endure,
    the stress on the family, and the idea that something could go wrong.  I
    know your fear.  I know your pain.  I watched my son behind
    plexi-glass for 30 days while he fought with all his might, there was nothing I
    could do to protect him, to shield him from the pain.  I could not stop
    the doctors from running 100's of test on him, poking, prodding, blindfolding
    or strapping him to boards.  I could not stop myself from being remorse
    full that I was not a better host... maybe if I had been healthier, eaten more lettuce,
    slept more, stressed less... maybe I could have changed something, given him
    the last 60 days in my womb he deserved.  Throw in the guilt I felt for
    enjoying my first meal after delivery and not throwing it up, the guilt for in
    general being able to feel the sun on my skin while he was strapped to a
    plexi-glass cage.   Then when the doctors came into my room for the check
    up, and the troop of them shattered my dreams of ever having another
    child.  My heart shattered.  I lay in my hospital bed sobbing. 
    Asking God why?  Why is my beautiful son fighting so hard to live? 
    Why was I not capable of this right every woman has had for hundreds of
    years?  Why?  I cried for a month, I still cry when I dream of the
    beautiful little girl I always wanted to have a big brother, I cry for the loss
    of my woman hood (because I am so young) I cry over the loss of my dream. 
    But I realized when I finally held him without tubes, IV’s and restraints that
    this was my new path.  It was not what I had planned, what I wanted or had
    expected.  But I knew it was meant for me.  Now two years later I
    look back and am so so thankful that I was able to see the light, not just the
    darkness.  I was sad, broken and unsure if I possessed the right skills to
    raise this special boy.  But God knew I could. 
     Emily we have to believe that our little Angles have a purpose and God
    has a plan.  He would not give our children a battle they cannot
    win.  Have faith in your skills as an amazing mother, you have already
    proven yourself twice and have faith that this too shall pass.  Overwhelming,
    sad, painful and scary... YES.  But have faith.  Ask for help, and do
    not be ashamed or feel guilty for it.  You are strong and amazing, you can
    do this.   Big giant hug filled with all my love ~S

  9. Oh girl, dealing with this all would be hard no matter your stage of motherhood. But have it 3 weeks after having a baby and it's so much harder. Hang in there. xo 


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